Bad Joke
 

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

     GENERAL:

     1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
     2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
     3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
     4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
     5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
     still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

     DINING OUT:

     1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the
     paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the
     vine.
     2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

     ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

     1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
     a taxidermist.
     2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
     manners are.

     PERSONAL HYGIENE:

     1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
     should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
     2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
     3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
     4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
     tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
     foods.

     DATING (Outside the Family):

     1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
     date.
     2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
     to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
     years ago."
     3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
     will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
     answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

     THEATER ETIQUETTE:

     1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
     immediately after the movie has ended.
     2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
     proven they can't hear you.

     WEDDINGS:

     1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
     2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
     3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
     cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
     4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
     special occasion.

     DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

     1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
     loaded and the deer is in sight.
     2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
     tires does not always have the right of way.
     3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
     4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
     impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
     5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river.  He proceeds to stumble on down into the water and where he stands next to the Minister.  The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back, brings the minister into focus, and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No?" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up a second time and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, Sir.  I don't think so."

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for nearly a minute the third time.   Bringing him up at last he demands, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes, again brings the minister into focus and shakes his head, "No, Sir.  Are you sure this is where you dropped him?"

 

A Buddhist and a Hindu were once good friends on the earth.  When they died, they both went to heaven.

Since the Buddhist arrived first, he began to show the Hindu around.  The Hindu was very impressed.   He asked many questions.  Soon they came to a large hall.  The Buddhist ordered the Hindu to be very quiet as they tiptoed past it.

"Why did you ask me to be quiet when we passed that hall?", enquired the Hindu.

"Well, it's because I did not want us to be seen," explained the Buddhist.   "That hall belongs to the Christians and they think they are the only ones here.  I don't want to burst their bubble."

                        ================================

The Rabbi was approached by one of his congregation who was obviously in distress:

"Rabbi, what am I to do?  My son wants to convert to Christianity."

"Calm down, my daughter." said the Rabbi.  Lets you and I together ask God for guidance."

Together they placed the question before God and waited for an answer.  Soon the clouds began to gather and a voice came from the heavens:

"How should I know?  Look what happened to my son."

(Thanks to Pagoda for this one.)

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Last updated Monday, February 20, 2006

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